I don’t think I’m a very good Christian. I think one of the best things I ever did was make blogs, because at least that’s some form of sharing. But other than that, I haven’t shared much. I don’t tell people how much Jesus means to me. Well, maybe I do. But only to those who already know.
I think that us Christians have gotten a lot of things wrong. I think the church has become more of religious club than a starting point for outreach. I think we focus too much on bringing people in for them to be a part of us. They don’t come, though. That’s our fault. 'Cause we don’t go to them. We wait for them to come. That never happens. Not much.
It’s been forever since I’ve been on a mission trip to help people who are NOT Christians—and I mean simply help them, not helping them with an agenda to try and save them. The majority of trips I’ve been on have been to other churches, because churches are safe. You don’t have to be afraid at another church. But outside the church, I have little experience. I think that’s sad. I think it's sad because it’s not just my story. It’s the story for a lot of Christians—especially those I know.
I think there’s too much of an “us/them” mentality. We’re all human. We all sin. Somehow, I—a Christian—forget that fact. I sin. I mess up. I don’t have things together. There’s so much of a focus on saving them from their rotten souls. My soul is just as rotten, if not more. I think my soul is most definitely more rotten, because I think I’m special because I go to church and I try to be holy. What makes me any better than a guy in deep need, cold and alone on a street corner? Perhaps he understands more than me.
We speak of “them” as if they’re “out there.” We use the word “heathens,” sometimes, even jokingly. I think there are more heathens inside the church. We’ve forgotten what it means to be human. We think we don’t need forgiveness anymore, having been forgiven “once-and-for-all” before. Oh, God, we need it the most!
I’d like to apologize. I’m sorry for misrepresenting Jesus. I am not Jesus. I am a follower, but I don’t have everything right. I don’t understand it all. I can’t tell you why there’s pain in the world or if suffering is good or bad or why bad things happen to good people.
I’m sorry for being so bitter sometimes. I get angry at people who cut down trees and people who make church into a matter of politics. I choose sides. That only makes the schism between souls even worse. To go against an extreme as hard as possible is only to make another extreme. It’s only to get angry at the opposite. There is no unity in choosing sides. There is no hope for reconciliation in thinking “us-and-them”. I think “us-and-them” a lot. More than I’d like to admit.
I fail. I get scared. I fear. I hold things against people. I harbor grudges inside, and deny that I’m doing it. I’m not perfect. I’m not always good. I think impure thoughts. Too much. I sin—in the dark—when no one is looking.
If anyone needs forgiveness, it’s me. I need forgiveness so much. But I don’t think I know how to get it. Who does? Do we really know what forgiveness is? We—the “Christians”—say we do. But do we really? Have we really experienced forgiveness? Have we really experienced Jesus? I wonder sometimes.
There’s a deep pain inside me from all this guilt and all this horrible dread of messing up and doing it wrong and not getting it right and I just cling to the condemnation and bury it deeper still. God says to let go. I’m too prideful to admit I need to confess, though—and not just to God, but to everyone. I need to confess to those who need to confess. I don’t need to confess to perfect people. Perfect people don’t need forgiveness—they’ve forgotten they need it, at least. That’s why they’re perfect—they think they are. They’re not, though. I’m not perfect—even if I think otherwise.
What is forgiveness, truly? Who knows? And why is it so hard to go after something so necessary…so needed…so liberating? I’m asking.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
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